Monday, May 16, 2022

OSR: Anomalous Items for Reasonable Prices

 Ideas borrowed from Arnold K., Dr. Gears, Trevor Roberts , Abbadon and Andrew Hussie

by Erik Tassinari
Who approaches you?

1d6
1- John Smith.  A plain, aggressively normal man.  Whatever you think is normal, boring or average, that is what he looks like.  He is utterly indistinguishable from anyone else, the second you stop talking to him, all details about him will escape you.  He has a briefcase full of stuff he'd like to offer you.  He does not accept haggling.  He sells drugs, guns and information.  He is very good at eavesdropping as, unless he wants you to notice him, you probably won't.  He accepts drugs, cash and information in exchange. 

2- Triple Six.  A biker in tight fitting leather, with imagery associated with Hell on it's bike, such as screaming faces, flames, devils with pitchforks, etc.  Six seems to change appearance and sex at will, never looking the same way.  The only commonalities are the leather clothing, the fact that he is always beautiful and that she has 666 tattooed somewhere prominent on his body.  She sells magic items (only occasionally cursed, always harmful or evil), potions and knowledge.  He accepts souls, promises of future services (magically binding) and degrading or humiliating acts performed for her amusement.

3- Andromeda Jane Baker.  An alchemist and scholar of the occult, as well as children's book author.  Rich and born in the year 1915, yet doesn't like older than 35.  Accompanied everywhere by her assistants and homunculus servants.  Sells potions, magical food and drink.  Accepts currency and information.  She doesn't really need the former and will probably just add it to the pile that she plans on using to give her books a proper movie adaptation.

4- Patsy Jenkins.  A sixteen year old Witch, who is far more skilled in the use of a skillet and spatula than she is a wand.  Her passion is cooking, this magic stuff is just what she's doing to please her absentee Wizard parents.  A genuinely nice person, but she doesn't trust people like you.  Sells magical food and drink.  Accepts currency and magical stuff.  She won't mind if it's cursed or useless, she'll just grind it up to make a pie.

5- Galifax the Juniper Thief.  A giant glowing slug with the face of a man, compound eyes and bat wings emerging from the side of his face like sideburns.  Appears only in dreams.  Friendly and exuberant, but doesn't really understand humans.  Is prone to misunderstandings and saying things then not elaborating, as if he expects you to know what he is talking about.  Sells dreams, memories, potions and really good drugs.  Accepts favors, barbeque and music.     

6- Marjar.  A chimpanzee wearing a tattered child's winter coat and a Yankee's baseball cap.  Carries a bulging jute bag that contains far more stuff than should be able to fit into it.  Speaks in a thick Brooklyn accent.  Friendly, unless you refer to him as a "monkey" or insult the Yankees, in which case he will go apeshit and try to bite your face off.  He sells pornography, guns, potions and random trash he claims holds "sentimental value".  Most of this trash is just stuff that has been thrown away, but some of it is actually highly personal items once owned by powerful NPCs (10% chance).  He accepts cash, gold and things from New York including souvenirs or food.  For example, New York style Pizza, Bagels or Hotdogs.

What are they selling today?

artist unknown

Only the finest in entertainment!

Anomalous Media:

1d12

1: Hunt of the Zebra King: A 3 hour and 45 minute interview of famous serial killer Richard Danton, now in his 70s.  The interview covers his life from birth, the circumstances of growing up in New Orleans, his adulthood and activism with the Black Panther Party and other groups, and eventually the murders he committed.

Danton claims in the interview that he planned to kill 66 white people, 22 men, 22 women and 22 children as part of an act of human sacrifice that would "free the African diaspora and return them to their original majesty".  The film-makers, who are always unseen, do include snippets of information from other sources in the form of white text on an otherwise black screen that Danton only killed 32 people before being caught, all the murders taking place from the years 1972 to 1975.

Danton alternates between raving madness and cerebral, calculated responses.  Those who have seen the film are split between believing Danton to be a psychopath pretending to be insane or an insane man with dissociative identity disorder or some other mental condition.  There is also much debate over whether Danton was the killer at all, or if he is only taking credit for the murders, and someone else was responsible for the killings, or maybe he was framed by a racist criminal justice system.  Those who espouse the last position generally haven't seen the interview.

Lastly, Danton himself hints that the sacrifice he began all those years ago has not been disturbed and could still be finished, should someone have the will to.  What he means by this, or how it could be done, is not known.

2: Homicide Juice: A 7 minute internet video that is occasionally re-uploaded to various video sharing sites and then taken down within hours or minutes.  Each time it is taken down it disappears, before being reposted on a different site within a few weeks.  The longest it was ever gone was 6 months. 

The video consists of a man whose face is not visible preparing a potion or elixir the narration calls 'Homicide Juice'.  Supposedly, anyone who drinks this juice will fly into a murderous rampage and attempt to kill those nearest to them with the most dangerous weapons they have on hand.  The narrator calmly describes the preparation of this juice, though each time the video reappears the recipe is slightly different- in one the narrator says the recipe requires fresh limes, in another hand-squeezed orange juice, in a third, he says that lemon juice bought from the store is sufficient. 

3: Crooked Man: Reign: 25 hours of video consisting of stills or snippets from famous speeches, public events that were broadcast across the world and news footage from on location.  In these clips, the normal audio is muted or turned down and the camera focuses on one part of the image or some small detail in the background.  When something is visible in the background, it usually resembles a hunched man wearing a broad-brimmed hat that is pulled low to conceal his face.  Other than the hat and the bent back, everything else about the man's dress and mannerisms changes from clip to clip.  Sometimes he is wearing a suit, other times a military uniform, sometimes he is smoking, sometimes he is fairly conspicuous while other times he is barely visible and so on.  All of these sightings report to be of an entity known as the Crooked Man.

4: "'Choke,' declared the Fly to the Spider: A book containing a collection of poems describing the philosophy of German Pessimism circa the 19th century and defending the same from criticism.  Most of the poems are quite poorly written, being focused more on defending the poet's ideology than sounding good or engaging in clever rhyming.  Most readers are simply baffled by the book, but some of those who can actually grasp the deeper meaning of the poems attempt suicide in dramatic and grandiose ways.

5: "Gutter City": A rejected cartoon pilot depicting two male characters who work as private eyes in a city that vaguely resembles Seattle, but is never identified as such.  The two characters, named Fitz and Jaw, attempt to solve the murder of a barista.  Despite the abundance of evidence, the police have no interest in pursuing the case and Fitz and Jaw are too incompetent to solve the case. 

The B-plot of the pilot is that of the murderer, who is attempting to cover his tracks.  But due to a wildly bizarre series of comedic errors, he ends up accidentally revealing his identity and guilt to Fitz and Jaw.  The two main characters then proceed to beat the tar out of the murderer before knocking him out cold, hog-tying him and taking him to an undisclosed location.  There they proceed to torture and murder him in an extremely graphic 8-minute scene that takes up the lion's share of the episode's remaining time.  The two then declare it a job well done, hack the body into pieces and bury him in a shallow grave, before driving back into town. 

The only other notable thing about the pilot, besides its amateurish voice-acting, choppy looking animation and general lack of quality is the fact that the murder depicted in the show eeriely parallels one that occurred just a year before in the Capitol Hill neighborhood.  The pilot is still available on YouTube, as well as some other streaming sites, and rarely has more than two thousand views.  It is credited to an amateur animator and cartoonist named John Pierce, who is said to live near the Seattle area but has not produced anything notable since then.        

6: Sapphic Sorority 4: A lesbian porno depicting four female pornstars, three completely unknown and one vaguely recognizable.  They all put on a series of increasingly bizarre foreign accents.  The blonde is probably supposed to be Swedish but she ends up sounding Russian for the majority of the film, for instance.  The sex scenes are well-shot up until halfway through the film, where a fifth woman joins in.  

This woman's face and head is never shown except from the back and she is quite average for adult films, with modest breasts and long brown hair, the only notable detail about her is the tattoo of eye crying black tears on her back, right of where a tramp stamp would ordinarily go.  Not only does the eye's shape and appearance slightly change from scene to scene, but also the sex acts from her introduction onward become more and more dangerous, up until one of the other participants lets out a very real scream and the sheets of the bed they are using are stained with a large amount of blood. 

At this point, the film smash cuts to the credits, with a promise that the next film will be even better.  Five years later, no sequel has appeared and the studio that produced the original four films was bought up by a larger conglomerate, which then set about scrubbing this film from the Internet.  Copies of it still persist on many pirate sites, and it is occasionally re-uploaded to one of the more mainstream sites before being deleted within minutes. 

7: The Galfari Guide to E247: A guidebook that describes various social customs, traditions and folkways on Earth and includes such things as a list of taboos, a series of warnings against nudity, a section on brushing up on local prejudices, reminders to speak aloud and to cook meat before you eat it.  The book has five identical sections which include the same content written in English, Latin American Spanish, Mandarin Chinese, Aramaic and a yet to be identified language.  

Despite this fact, it is written as if the audience would not understand anything about the world beyond what one could observe from watching humans from afar.  At the end of the book, there is a warning that if one is in danger on Earth, the reader should immediately retreat to the nearest Consulate.  There, the book assures the reader, the Consul General will be able to keep you safe until passage to a more hospitable location can be arranged.

8: "Hollowpoint" by Hollywood Undead: An audio file apparently of an early version of the song "Bullet", released by Hollywood Undead as part of their American Tragedy album.  This version was recorded on much inferior equipment, making it hard to tell if the band actually performed this, or if it is just a group of talented imitators.  The versions of the song are largely the same, both concerned with the speaker's attempts to kill himself, his failings and the effects of a life misspent on vice that finally ends in saccharine tragedy. 

However, "Hollowpoint" differs in several key ways.  In this version, the speaker describes how he has already shot himself several times and it has only caused him pain, as well as the fact that he drank kerosene, evidentially to no effect.  Additionally, at the end of the song, where in "Bullet" a child sings about trying to fly, there is a pained, mournful sound that does not seem to come from a human throat.

Those who listen to this version of the song often become obsessed with it and listen to it over and over on loop, neglecting all activities.  Eventually, their obsession becomes so powerful that they go in search of their idols, to try and confirm the song is real.  None who have left on such a pilgrimage have ever returned. 

9: "Patricide" by u/Evilgor_0: A scary story posted on Reddit, originally credited to the aforementioned account.  The story, as told by an unnamed narrator, vividly describes his highly realistic descent into madness and violence, culminating with the narrator murdering his own father, then snapping back to lucidity.  The narrator then declares he will kill himself, as he cannot live with the guilt and shame.  The story is well written, but the truly disturbing thing is that whenever it is read, the person reading it always finds that the narrator's circumstances, as well as the appearance and personality of the father match the reader's almost exactly.

This strange effect does not apply to anyone who is told about the story or views the story as part of a group, in which case the story's details will only match the first person to read it. 

As for the user who posted the story, the account has not been active in over three years.  The last activity on the account was some thirsty comments on a porn starlet's fan reddit, before the user logged out for the last recorded time.

10: Cross and Crescent: A .pdf file describing an RPG setting where the world has been decimated by a nuclear war after Al-Qaeda obtained nuclear weapons and used them to annihilate Washington D.C. and New York, as well as several major European capitals including Berlin, Paris and Rome.  However, Vatican City was miraculously preserved and the Pope then declared a new Crusade against the Muslims, resulting in the ultimate clash of civilizations.  Playable factions include Evangelical Christian, Catholic, Shia, Sunni, Secular, Pagan and Jewish.

The game, while otherwise unexceptional in terms of mechanics and lore, is bizarrely engrossing to play and anyone who tries it find it is the richest gaming experience they have ever had.  Those who play more than once also start to exhibit strange mental effects, firstly by becoming radical adherents to their current religion, with those who lack religion become anti-religious extremists instead.  Other effects include hearing voices, religious delusions, visions, paranoia, black-outs and an inability to restrain one's violent or angry impulses.     

11: Package Delivery: 5 hours of dashcam footage from a car in Russia.  The footage has clearly been edited, jumping back and forth at seemingly random intervals.  The driver is a man and speaks in Russian, narrating what is happening or making small-talk.  He complains about his wife and how his kids never visit or call, how things are too expensive and that things were better for the Russian people under Stalin, though that last part might be a joke.  The driver is only ever seen once when he exits the car at the 4:51:13, but he seems to be old, with a grey beard and mustache.

At various points throughout the film, strange lights pirouetting through the night sky, flashing in strange patterns only to disappear suddenly.  The driver appears to be following these lights.  Eventually, near the end of the footage, the sky is illuminating by a blinding series of lights and strange, ethereal music floods the empty landscape, much of it degenerating into static and incoherent noises.  Silhouettes of strange, non-human creatures with many undulating limbs and appendages that resemble wings, horns and tentacles are visible in this light.  The man exits the car, approaches these silhouetted creatures and appears to speak with them.  The lights then vanish and the man re-enters the car carrying a package wrapped in brown paper.  At this point he shuts off the camera.

12: The True Jesus: A series of crudely animated flash cartoons detailing the life and ministry of Jesus.  The cartoons begin in a place familiar to anyone who knows anything about Christianity, with His birth in Bethlehem and there being no room at the inn.  But as the cartoons continue, they begin to diverge further and further from scripture until the cartoon's version of Jesus is reciting magic spells, making predictions about events that would have been impossible to know at the time such as the discovery of the Americas and levitating while his eyes roll back in his head.  The messages this Jesus character also gives are not orthodox either, but instead are a mish-mash of Christianity, Gnosticism, Marxism and 20th century Occultism. 

There are four episodes, each one covering a different period of Jesus' life and revealing the truth of what actually happened.  The episodes are inconsistent in terms of writing style, animation style and quality and seem to be made by different people.  The message of each also differs.  One claims that Jesus was born of a virgin, others claim that the virgin birth was made to aid in the deification of Jesus and limit the spread of his true message.  But all the episodes claim to contain hidden fragments of his true message, which a true believer will be able to find and decode.  There are many theories about what this message actually is, but little in the way of serious answers.

from here

And you can't enjoy wonderful entertainment with a dry throat!

Anomalous Drinks:

1d20

1- Pepsi Dragon Twist.
Rarity: Rare 
A perfectly ordinary soda that tastes like Pepsi mixed with Dragonfruit.  Tastes pretty good if you like Pepsi.  Any creature who drinks this gains one of the abilities granted by drinking or bathing in Dragon's blood for 1d4 hours.   

2- Darkside Cola.
Rarity: Uncommon
A clear soda that turns black when exposed to air.  Tastes like Coca Cola with a hint of spice.  Any creature who drinks this has his skin, hair, teeth and even the sclera of his eyes turn black.  In darkness, this creature counts as invisible.  In low-light, the creature has advantage on all stealth checks and checks made to hide.  The effect lasts for 1d4 hours. 
 
3- Dr. Pibb. 
Rarity: Uncommon
A soda in a brown bottle, trimmed in white.  Tastes a bit like Dr. Pepper.  If drunk, the creature gains a knowledge of medicine equal to an emergency room doctor for 1d4 hours.  They can treat most injuries, provide first aid and diagnose illnesses, receiving a +1d6 bonus to all checks made to perform first aid, treat injuries, etc. 

4- Billy Beer. 
Rarity: Common
A beer brewed in 1982 during President Jimmy Carter's second term and endorsed by his younger brother.  When opened, the creature should make a CHA save.  On a successful save, the bottle is full of beer that restores 1d10 FS (as per normal alcohol rules).  On a failed save, the bottle is instead full of gasoline.  If the players would prefer gas, the Referee is advised to reverse the outcomes of the save. 

5- Solar Cola
Rarity: Rare
An orange soda in a glass bottle with a retro-future aesthetic.  Drinking it restores 1d8+1 FS and 1d8+1 HP, then sets the user on fire.  This causes them to do +1d6 fire damage on a hit.  After 2 rounds, it causes the drinker to be able to hurl 1d8 fireballs as an action.  After 4 rounds, the user gains the ability to fly.  After 5 or more rounds, the user becomes immune to fire and must save.  On a successful save, the flames dissipate and the user loses any bonuses gained.  On a failed save, the user disappears in a flash of light.  These effects can be ended early if the flames wrapping around the creature are extinguished.  The creature has been taken to the Realm of the Gods and will be asked if they wish to become immortal.  If they accept, they become unplayable, but the player gets a bonus that they can give to their next character or to another party member.  If they refuse, they are sent back, their memories of the Heavenly Court fading over time, until only a fond recollection and a faint melancholy remain.   

6- Candy Corn Liquor. 
Rarity: Rare
An alcohol made of fermented candy corn, water and citric acid.  Vile to the taste and extremely flammable.  Do not smoke when pouring yourself a glass.  A single shot restores 1d12 FS and counts as 2 points of drunkenness.  It also causes the user to take -1d6 bludgeoning and falling damage till he stops to eat or rest. 

7- Coke Heartthrob
Rarity: Uncommon
Tastes like Coca Cola with a strange, meaty aftertaste.  Causes any creature who drinks it to start secreting pheremones that make them appear to be more charming and attractive.  They gain advantage on all checks made to charm or persuade.  Additionally, creatures who are attracted to the drinker get an additional -2 to any roll made to resist the drinker's requests. 

8- Almond Water. 
Rarity: Common
Tastes like carbonated almond milk.  An acquired taste, fairly nasty at first.  Drinking it will cause the creature in question to have no need for food or water for 1d3+1 days.  This effect has diminishing returns, depending on the amount of Almond Water consumed.  If consumed only sporadically, this secondary effect does not occur.

9- One Eyed Olog's Flameblood Ale.
Rarity: Rare
A black bottle covered in writing that makes your eyes slide off or gives you a faint migrane.  You can see the reflection of some kind of monster in the dark glass, but there's nothing behind you (right?).  Tastes like strong liquor mixed with brimstone and ash.  Grants the drinker 1d6+2 MD that lasts for 2d10+10 minutes.  The drinker can use these MD to power some device that requires them or use them to cast the spells Fireball, Protection from Energy or Wall of Fire.   

10- Dead-Head Rum. 
Rarity: Uncommon
A solid white bottle adorned with a skull wrapped in black roses.  Filled with a greenish liquid that smells like absinthe mixed with formaldehyde.  Utterly vile, tastes like alcohol that was used to preserve a rotting corpse.  Makes the drinker immune to either necrotic, cold or poison damage (roll randomly) and causes the drinker to 'detect' as Undead for 1d8 hours.  Undead will not attack them and they can cast Speak with Dead at will.    

11- Ichor Pale Ale. 
Rarity: Uncommon
A clear bottle that is seemingly empty, though if you shake the bottle you can hear something sloshing around inside.  Drinking this liquid will cause you to become a carrier for the disease drunkeness.  The drinker will remain sober, but everyone who is within 100' will slowly find their inhibitions weakened.  They will become and start acting as if they are drinking heavily, even if they have consumed no alcohol.  This effect continues for 1d3 hours.  This cannot cause creatures to die of alcohol poisoning, but they can pass out from drinking too much. 

12- Marquise of Laflaffe' Lymphatic Sweet Wine.
Rarity: Rare
Usually served in cups of gold or silver, this wine is highly prized by nobles and Magi alike.  It is fruity and sweet, smelling of grapes and good soil.  Anyone who consumes this wine has any diseases afflicting them cured and any poisons in his body purged over a period of 1d3 hours.  These hours are not often pleasant, causing the drinker to enter a state similar to that of a high fever.  But once the effect has ended, they will be fine and fit as a fiddle. 

13- Blackmire Brew. 
Rarity: Common
A yeasty ale that smells of heath and herbal plants.  Usually found in jugs or clay jars adorned with the ugly faces of demons or malicious gods.  Brewed by medicine men and old crones who live in or near deep swamps.  Taste is nothing abnormal.  Anyone who drinks it will find they gain the ability to breathe water for 1d6 hours.  Consuming large amounts can lead to various reptilian or aquatic mutations, such as slit-pupil eyes, gills, scaly hide, muscular tail, webbed fingers and/or toes, etc. 

14- Cherry Bomb. 
Rarity: Rare
A cheery flavored soda in a steel cylinder covered in warning labels in various languages.  Tastes delicious.  Any creature who drinks it must immediately make a CON save or die.  On a failed save, that creature takes 3d6 damage and this damage ignores armor and FS.  On a failed save, the creature's head explodes and smears the walls with his blood and brain matter.   

15- Davy Crockett Energy Drink. 
Rarity: Rare
A black can stamped with radiation warnings and gruesome art of a man in a coonskin cap and armed with a musket, his skin peeling off as a mushroom cloud rises in the background.  Tastes like heavy metals and Mountain Dew.  Any creature who drinks it takes 1d4 radiant damage.  That creature also receives 1d20 MD that last for 1 hour.  The creature can use these spells to Flesh Grenade, Gamma Infusion and Atom Smasher.  For every 10 minutes that pass, if the creature still has MD left, he takes 1d4 radiant damage.

16- Berserker's Blood. 
Rarity: Uncommon
A red energy drink, adorned with the logo of a viking riding a moose, armed with an axe and frothing at the mouth.  The liquid inside is red and tastes coppery.  Any creature who drinks it must save.  On a failed save, the creature flies into a rage.  While raging, they get a +2 bonus to Atk and damage and take half damage from all non-magical sources of damage.  The creature raging must continue attacking each round and cannot take any action to do something precise or delicate.  The creature can stop raging early by passing a COG save, otherwise he rages for 1d10 minutes, then collapses from exhaustion.  For the next 10 minutes, the creature has disadvantage on Atk and pursuit rolls.  Defense rolls and saving throws are unaffected, however.  If the creature is allowed to rest, after 10 minutes, the disadvantage goes away. 

17- Drunken Monk. 
Rarity: Uncommon
A delicious whiskey depicting a fat, apple-cheeked friar with a jug of liquor, a cherubic smile on his face.  Tastes like damn good whiskey.  Provides the benefits of normal whiskey, but also contains an ample serving of holy water.  Any creature who drinks this will find that his bodily fluids, for the next 1d4 hours, are holy.  This means they provide the same benefits of holy water, burning the Undead, wicked Mortals and Evil Spirits.  Additionally, it is impossible for anyone under the influence of Drunken Monk to be possessed or charmed by an Evil Spirit.   
18- Fortuna's Radiance. 
Rarity: Very Rare
A glass bottle full of glowing, golden liquid.  Tastes like sunshine and clovers and vanilla cake.  Any creature who drinks this gains an immense store of good fortune that lasts for the rest of the day.  1d20+1 times today, if the drinker rolls a "5" or below on a d20, he can reroll that d20.  Any unused uses of this ability are lost once the creature goes to sleep/takes a long rest. 

19- Tomorrow's Wine. 
Rarity: Rare
A blue liquid that smells of snails, scorpion's venom and crawling things.  Tastes unpleasant, greasy and bitter.  Any creature who drinks this falls into a catatonic state for 1d3 hours.  During this time, they have a series of visions relating to the future.  These visions will be confusing, symbolic and not always helpful.  The drinker can direct these visions by asking 1d3 questions to try and direct the visions.  The Referee has to answer their questions by describing a vision that relates to this, but they don't have to directly answer the question.  The future is ever unclear and those who try to predict it can easily find themselves lost.     

20- Celestial Peach Brandy.
Rarity: Mythic 
Made from the Peaches of Immortality that grow in the gardens of the Law Gods, it is only ever found in small bottles made of diamond and star-metal, each one a work of art itself.  The liquid inside smells of peaches and dredges up the happiest memories from the drinker's childhood.  The taste is indescribable, better than anything you've ever tried.  You'll grow to hate peaches, for all of them are inferior compared to this.  Anyone who drinks this brandy has all his diseases cured, all poisons purged from his body.  He is instantly restored to full health.  If he is suffering from the pains and frailty of old age, such things are wiped away and he will experience 1d10+10 years of youthful strength and health. Additionally, it will extend the drinker's natural lifespan by 1d4*1d100.

from Problem Sleuth

You look hungry after all that drink, so why don't you browse the selection of snacks available?

Anomalous Food:

1d12

1- Five Alarm Chili.
Rarity: Rare
Cooking DC: 15
An extremely spicy chili made with six kinds of peppers, meat from a dozen rare creatures, powdered dragonbone (or a less expensive substitute) and alchemist's fire.  It's hot enough to set paper alight if it is dipped into the chili, yet is somehow still edible.  At least, as long as you have a taste for heat.  Any who eat this chili gain +2d10 FS and anything over their maximum FS is added as temporary HP.  Those creatures who eat the chili also gain an immunity to fire damage.  However, every 10 minutes, they have a 2-in-6 chance of bursting into flames for 1d10 minutes.  These flames burn flammable objects on their person and ignite flammable objects around them.  These flames can be extinguished as easily as normal flames.  All effects of the chili end after 1 hour or after the eater drinks milk.   

2- Lay's Blooming Onion. 
Rarity: Uncommon
Cooking DC: 12
A seemingly normal onion that, when peeled, reveals it's insides to be made of Lay's chips.  Each layer is a different flavor.  Each onion can be customized and have different layers.  Each onion has 6 layers.  To see what layers this one has, select six if you're making the onion.  If not, roll randomly.  1d12 [1= Cheddar; 2= Sour cream and Onion; 3= Salt and Vinegar; 4= Barbeque; 5= Dill Pickle; 6= Chesapeake Bay Crab; 7= Flaming Hot Habanero Pepper- if crushed and rubbed into a creature's face, eyes or another sensitive area, they experience a painful, burning sensation; 8= Nitroglycerin- these chips are explosive, doing 1 damage if thrown onto the ground or crushed and 1d3 per chip if eaten; 9= Chernobyl- each chip is radioactive, doing 1 radiation damage to any creature around them for more than 1d6 minutes or 1d3 per chip if eaten; 10= Thundering Fury- these chips are made of steel wool and highly conducive to electricity; 11= Sodium- these chips explode if exposed to water, one chip does 1 explosion damage, an entire layer does 1d8+2, save for half; 12= LSD- these chips are coated in a sprinkle of LSD which is absorbed through the skin.  It causes hallucinations that last for 1d8 hours in anyone who touches or eats them.]   

3- Teriyaki Fedora.
Rarity: Uncommon
Cooking DC: DC 10
A hat made of teriyaki beef jerky, stylishly folded into every neckbeard's favorite head accessory.  Functions as a helm.  Also grants anyone who wears it advantage on any checks or saves made to resist intimidation or persuasion attempts.  However, it also grants disadvantage on checks or saves made against persuasion checks or Charm effects made by female creatures.  Can also be torn apart to make enough rations to feed 1d4 people.   

4- Bacon Shirt.
Rarity: Common
Cooking DC: 8
A long-sleeve shirt made of bacon.  Functions as Light Armor but only occupies 1 inventory slot.  Grants advantage on any attempt to charm or persuade carnivorous or omnivorous creatures.  Can be torn apart to make enough rations to feed 1d6+2 people.     

5- Candy Robot.
Rarity: Uncommon
Cooking DC: 15
A tiny mecha made of spun sugar, toffee and hard candy.  A beautiful and intricate creation that can be customized in terms of color and shape.  Comes with a cookie remote that can be used to control the robot, which can walk and lift objects that weigh five pounds or less.  The robot has no need for any things living creatures need and feels no fear.  It obeys without question.  It is also very fragile, breaking after it takes 1 point of damage.  It will also break if it falls from a height or has something heavy dropped on it.  The robot can be torn apart to make enough rations to feed 1d3 people.  If one person eats the entire thing and the cookie remote isn't eaten, the holder of the remote can control that person for 1 hour.   

6- Toffee Chess Set.
Rarity: Uncommon
Cooking DC: 10
A chess set made of various types of toffee and hard candy.  Best enjoyed with coffee.  If given a verbal command by someone standing on one side of the board, the piece in question will move to the space indicated.  If two people use this set to play a game, if one is put into check, they will feel an overpowering sense of fear and dread.  If put into checkmate, the loser will be paralyzed and frozen in place from the neck down.  The winner can release them, or can compel them to make an oath.  Any oaths made under these circumstances are magical and the loser cannot break them unless freed of their oath by the winner or complete the objective intended by the oath.  If the pieces are eaten, can provide enough rations to feed 1 person.     

7- Chocolate Phallus.
Rarity: Uncommon
Cooking DC: 10
A chocolate phallus full of white chocolate and topped with dollops of whipped cream.  Impress your bachelorette party or a group of teenagers.  If consumed, any creature who eats any part of the dessert experiences a state of euphoria and arousal, similar to being high.  They will also experience a lowered sense of inhibitions and act as if they are drunk, though they will suffer no loss of coordination.  If eaten entirely by 1 creature, that creature must save.  On a failed save, the creature falls into a catatonic state for 1d8 hours and has extremely pleasant dreams.  On a successful save, the creature secretes pheremones affecting all creatures nearby that effect them as the dessert did, but also make the creature who ate it extremely attractive to everyone present.      
 
8- Caramelized Spider.
Rarity: Common
Cooking DC: 7
A large spider, fried in a pan till soft and jam.  Delicious on a burger or steak.  The spider also has necromantic charms whispered over it and thus, can be animated at the word of the chef.  The spider can move and do everything a spider can.  It is also venomous, but anyone who is bitten by it must make a CON save.  On a failed save, they take 1d6 CON damage and get sleepy, as if they just ate a big meal.  If this reduces someone to 0 CON, they fall into a food coma and sleep for 1d6 hours.  They have advantage on this save if they feel they are in serious danger.   
 
9- Venomous Snake Spaghetti.
Rarity: Rare
Cooking DC: 13
A pasta dish that utilizes very unique noodles that have to be hand-made.  When cooked and served, the noodles, which resemble starchy serpents, will animate at the behest of the chef and attack those nearby.  This does 2d6 poison damage, save for half, to anyone who is bitten.  Each person can only take this damage once.  Further bites will only do 1d6 damage.  The dish is non-toxic and if not animated, can be eaten as a normal, if dry pasta dish.   

10- Nitro Popping Corn.
Rarity: Rare
Cooking DC: 12  
A type of popcorn that is usually found unpopped.  These kernels, like normal popcorn, pop when exposed to heat.  The only difference is the force of the pop.  These kernels pop with sufficient force to explode, making a loud noise like a gunshot.  These can easily be confused for gunfire, especially if they go off in large amounts.  Individually, the kernels are too small to do any real damage, unless eaten raw, but if an entire unpopped bag was exposed to high heat, it would explode, doing 2d6 damage to everything within 30', save for half.

11- Studded Fruit Leather.
Rarity: Rare
Cooking DC: 15
A type of armor made of hard candy and fruity gummies.  Extremely tasty and very fashionable.  Functions as Medium Armor but only occupies 1 inventory slot.  This armor also halves fall and bludgeoning damage because of it's gummy underlayers.  However, insect-like monsters and monsters with sweet tooths, such as Ogres, will also attack any creature wearing this armor.  Can be pulled apart to make rations for 1d4+1 people. 

12- Jawbreaker Bomb.
Rarity: Uncommon
Cooking DC: 10
A delicious treat that possesses an explosive flavor.  A lump of hard candy made of numerous layers, this candy can explode at the command of the chef who made them.  If outside of a creature, the jawbreaker explodes, doing 2d6 damage, save for half.  If inside a creature, it does 3d6 CON damage, save for half.  If this reduces a creature to 0 CON, the creature falls into a diabetic coma for 1d4 hours or until attacked. 

13- Schema Pumpkin Pie.
Rarity: %E&$!&
Cooking DC: You don't think there's necessary, there's one right there. 
A pumpkin pie that seems to defy the laws of physics.  This pie will disappear and reappear, teleporting to seemingly random locations or temporarily blinking out of existence.  It doesn't seem to do anything beyond that.  No one knows how to make one either, as all recipes of it are either forgotten or corrupted.  That being said, there is a 10% of one appearing every time someone references it, pumpkins or pumpkin pie.  It also tastes pretty good, if you like pumpkin pie.

from Problem Sleuth

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